Captain Misery's Miserable Mishaps

It's all a load of bollocks, quite frankly

Paul’s latest miserable motoring mishaps!

Usually I show off my latest automotive purchase via the medium of shite blogging instantly. I’ve normally photographed the car to within an inch of my phone battery’s life before it gets home. It’s a little different this time, most notably because I’ve had the car since the middle of November and we’re now in the middle of March. So instead, have a motoring saga update.

Fifty shades of misery

Fifty shades of misery

If you’ve been paying attention, you would have seen that I had two Hyundai Accents proving that I am indeed some form of winner* at life. Now, I’m going to give them names for the sake of this blog entry. The W-plate Accent is the good one, so from here on this one will be called Young Terence. The X-plate is, as you’ll find out (if you can stay awake long enough) a complete twatting bastard. From here on in, it shall be referred to as The Twatting Bastard.

Hyundai Accents are not bad little cars, to be honest, but as you can see from the picture, some form of mischief had occurred on a cold October day. Indeed, this particular day marked the beginning of the end for The Twatting Bastard.

My wife parked The Twatting Bastard up in the Park and Ride facility in Truro. Literally two minutes after switching it off and taking the key out the battery was flatter than a witch’s tit. Dead. Bereft of charge. Gone for a burton. Fucked. So, Young Terence (stand on me) came to the rescue with a set of jump leads, only for the sodding engine management light of doom to illuminate on the journey to the park and ride. Never mind, it got there and got The Twatting Bastard started. The trusty cheap code reader deleted the engine light so I left Domestic Management with Young Terence and I drove The Twatting Bastard home. The eagle eyed amongst you will notice the front grille missing on Young Terence, no thanks to some fuckspoon in a Renault Trafic van pulling out and not seeing a bright red car coming towards him. The Hyundai came off better than the van.

Later that evening, I decided to put The Twatting Bastard up for sale as I hadn’t gelled with that car at all. In fact I hated it, and wanted it gone. Immediately, if not sooner. So went on to Scumtree and evilBay and posted it up for a monkey. Got a call the following morning with someone wanting to view it that same day. I wasn’t expecting them to, but they turned up and took it out for a test drive. They liked it very much, right up until the point where the bastard thing broke down. So, they cleared off leaving me fuming with this complete heap of shit, kicking it and swearing at it profusely. Managed to fix it, but could I sell the bugger after this? No.

A couple of weeks later, someone else decided to come and have a look at it, sale price being quite a bit under a monkey now. The day before, the engine developed a noise that made a Talbot Alpine seem quiet, serene and refined. One or more of the hydraulic lifters had decided to spit the dummy so I then had to ring the bloke to say don’t bother, as no way could I sell it to a chap who needed to visit his wife in hospital on a daily basis. He still came around to view it, but I flatly refused to sell it to him but managed to put him in touch with someone who had a decent little motor for sale so he bought that. In the end I sold it for scrap value to the first person that offered me scrap money for it.

20140411_183435It was a shame as Young Terence has proven to be a cracking little “does what it says on the tin” sort of car. It’s not particularly exciting, it’s not greatly stylish and it’s not an involving drive but it holds a certain utilitarian charm. Problems have been few and far between. Aside from the scuffle with the van which rendered it requiring a grille (pinched that off the Twatting Bastard) and a replacement headlight (a tenner for a second hand unit), I’ve had it nearly a year and has practically wanted for nothing. It’s had a couple of niggly things, such as the window regulator failed and the wiper stalk fractured and snapped off, but these were inexpensive repairs. The engine light of doom has illuminated a few times, which has had the same recurring fault – Mass Air Flow sensor. £20 from the internet and a three minute job and away we go. Other than that, a couple of bulbs and splash and dash of oil. I shall reserve further judgement until the MoT test the end of this week, but this has been a good little car. If someone would have said two years ago that one of my daily drives would be a Hyundai I probably would have taken a dump in their Sunday dinner.

£600 outlay for the initial purchase, it came with 11 and a half months MoT and six months tax. It had also recently had a full service including cam belt and clutch. To keep it running for a year has cost less than £250 which is cheap motoring for a year. Obviously, that doesn’t include the tax, insurance and petrol but it returns between 37 and 45mpg depending on the driving, costs less than £200 a year to insure and the tax is cheap. This is proving as cheap to run as my old kettle series Rover 25. The end of this week it has its MoT so fingers crossed it’s not too bad!

So, after the monumental cock up of the X-plated pile of shit, I did consider yet another Accent. Indeed I went to look at one, a metallic blue top of the range on an 05 plate. £800. Looked as good as one of these can get, except for the gargantuan blob of rust on both rear wheel arches upon closer inspection and it had more scars than a bodged plastic surgery victim. So I walked away. I then clocked on eBay an immaculate Fiat Brava 1.4 SX and decided that was the car for me. It was well within budget, wasn’t far away from my inlaws’ house and would put me back behind the wheel of something Italian. Except the seller was a total bellend and and didn’t bother responding to my messages so it was with a heavy heart that I excluded that one.

My new baby

My new MG X-Punto SV 1.2 Active POWWWEERRR

We were staying with my wife’s parents in Leicester at the time, which is a good 360 or so miles away from my home in Cornwall. It was then that my mother-in-law declared that there was a Punto for sale at a garage around the corner from their house and that we should go and see it. So we had a look, I took it for a long test drive, haggled and shaved the price down and the car was ready the following day with a fresh ticket and a pair of new front tyres. It was down to the wire because the following day I was due at work for 8am, but picked the car up at 4.30pm, loaded it with our belongings and an hour later I was driving it home and my wife and son were in the Hyundai. The drive home was long enough to see if anything was wrong with it, thankfully nothing fell off, broke or bust into flames. It also averaged 53 mpg on the way home, proving that you don’t need a sodding hybrid or a modern EGR-munching diseasel to provide good fuel economy.

So, this racks up my fourth Punto and my thirteenth Fiat. It’s good to have something Italian again. Someone’s got to love them! It’s not been totally uneventful with it, but more about that and the post-MoT report on the Accent when I can be bothered!


March 17, 2015 Posted by | Motoring | Leave a comment


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