Andrex Extra Soft Blog Roll

It's all a load of bollocks, quite frankly

I went on the internet and I bought…

wpid-20140911_171850.jpgWell, I bid farewell to my trusty Rover OMFGHGF 25, a car that started out as my wife’s and ended up mine as I stole it from her. It endeared itself to me greatly, but alas the poor thing was starting to get a bit senile. Still, someone contacted me who was prepared to give it a bit of TLC and a deal was made. I said “old out yer ‘aaaaaaaaaand. You’ve just bought yourself… a Rover 25!” I was genuinely quite upset when it drove off. I do miss it to be honest and feel a bit guilty for selling it as it was such a good steed.

So, armed with some cash, I do what I normally do and that is to scour eVilbay, Scumtree and Farcebook for a new motor for very little outlay. I wanted something Italian again, preferably a Punto or if I could find one an Alfa 145 or 146. I viewed a couple of different motors that weren’t Italian then I thought I’d found a nice Punto. It’s one I oversaw the PDI on and looked after when the previous owner had it. Looked great from a distance, then I looked at it properly and it all fell apart. I’m sure the car would before long, too. Didn’t help matters that the owner’s dad kept blurting out nonsense about the car that I know wasn’t true and on further investigation found a badly fitted, badly repaired and rusty wing with a gaping hole under the bonnet. It had wheels from a Coupe that were too big and rubbed on the wheel arch liner leaving a mark like a monk’s head. The exhaust had more blow than Kate Moss, so needless to say I walked away.

Pissed off, I went to phone the missus to say the car was a no-go. Whilst waiting for her to phone back I checked my Facebook feed and on one of the Facebook Mong Selling A Car Pages I saw a car. A Hyundai in fact. A red Hyundai. A red Hyundai Accent. A red Hyundai Accent like the one I already had.

wpid-img_359142706873745.jpegSo the missus phoned back, we agreed to both take a look at it and within half an hour we were outside the guy’s house looking at it. I had a quick sniff around it and on first glance it was, cosmetically at least, scruffy, dented and a bit tired. Mechanically it was sound with a recent clutch and an MoT pass from a few days before with a couple of advisories. Underneath looked pretty good and the engine purred into life and sounded fine.

So, we agreed a figure, I paid a deposit and went back to collect it the following evening. Said “old out yer ‘aaaaaaaaaaand. I’ve just bought myself… a Hyundai Accent”. Pretty uneventful journey home except I realised I’d made the fatal mistake of leaving my wallet with Domestic Management and I hadn’t bothered to read the fuel gauge before leaving. Anyhow, made it to the fuel station to fill it up and in sympathy my other Accent decided it needed some fuel too.

wpid-2014-09-12-21.31.26.jpg.jpegDrove the car home and parked both Accents up for the night. It’s got the beginnings of a Slough taxi rank.The following day I got to evaluate the purchase properly, and compare the two. The first Accent, the three door, is a 1.3i which means it has some seats and an engine. The additional Accent is a five door 1.3 GSi which means it has central locking (on three doors), electric windows all round, remote hatch release, some seats and an engine. It drives as miserably as the other one, has the same fifty shades of doom interior and has the same styling qualities* as the other one.

wpid-20140917_172041.jpgSo a reliable if somewhat dullard of a vehicle, then with nothing that could possibly go wrong? Erm, not quite. The orange light of impending doom reared its ugly head the very next day. Its get up and go had got up and gone and power wise, it was flatter than a witch’s tit. Seemed a familiar problem, so disconnected the mass airflow sensor and performance was restored. Ordered a new one from eVilbay, fitted it and cleared the fault and it was happy again. Also treated it to a new cam cover gasket as it was losing more oil than it was keeping, and because the plugs had a but of oil fouling, a new set of those too. Now it has developed a scraping noise from the left hand front.




Bollocks. I could have bought an Alfa and had these faults…


September 22, 2014 Posted by | Motoring | Leave a comment

Oh bloody hell Bono, why do you make me so angry?

Mr B. Ono-Twat

This is one of my old stock images of Bono. It’s still VERY relevant

So, my nemesis is at it again. Yes, that twat with the stupid sunglasses. Has he been sent here from another world purely to piss me off? Think I’m being paranoid because he does a bang up job of pissing most people I know off. This time, he and his other band mates have declared themselves important enough to use their new album to infect literally many Apple devices with the much feared U2 Bonio virus.

It’s just a big publicity stunt which means Apple gets loads of plaudits and attention and U2 get as much coverage as possible, meaning that unwittingly every person who owns an Apple device will have a copy of Bonio’s latest drivel. Could be a win situation, resulting in more people owning a U2 album than ever before. Bonio and The Hedge were probably rubbing their hands with guilty glee. However, six days after the “launch” and “installation without permission” it has appeared that many people had complained that this album had been downloaded to people’s devices without the aforementioned permission. Excluding the whole valid argument for device safety and hacking and what not, what gives these bunch of bastards the right to do such a thing? Do they really think they’re that important that everyone will want a copy of their new album? Thankfully I have an Android phone, though knowing my luck they’ll install Bob sodding Geldof on it.

A sigh of relief, though. If your Apple product has been infected by the U2 Bonio Virus, there simple steps you can take to remove it. Apple have released a one-step one-click U2 removal solution. Click here. Pity this doesn’t work for the band themselves.

So, there have been many great innovations in the music industry in how to distribute music. This isn’t one of them and it is likely to have a huge publicity stunt backfire moment. Still, I take great satisfaction from the fact that U2 can’t even give their fucking album away.

On a more positive note, I’ve been watching Jeff Lynne live at Hyde Park. Now, he is a proper music legend, down to earth and humble with it too. And Jeff’s sunglasses aren’t stupid.

September 16, 2014 Posted by | Rants | Leave a comment


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