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It's all a load of bollocks, quite frankly

Sworn To Lunacy

Bollocks! It has been brought to my attention that I swear too fucking much. I suppose really this is a fair cop and I am inclined to bloody well agree with. Any pretensions of talking a full fucking (sorry) sentence without the use of fuck, twat, arse, cunt, bollocks, bastard or indeed the mild little phrase bugger, simply fail to materialise.

I mean, what makes one express such profanities? It has been claimed that those who swear with a greater frequency are looked upon as being intellectually inferior. I don’t totally agree with that, however there is some evidence to back it up as Liam Gallagher exists. Some claim it’s an anger management technique. Uh huh. The most common uses or reasons for swearing are responses to something painful (anyone who has ran into a door at full pelt would know), or dealing with frustrating situations (the wife taking five hours to get ready again?) Researchers have claimed that it is good for relieving stress (I assumed these researchers got paid for, erm, researching stuff we already knew) and that growing up through childhood to adulthood it gradually becomes a way of expression in a similar way to a baby crying. That is certainly plausible as a baby’s way of responding to running into a door, Mum taking five hours to get ready again or Dad insisting he’s funny is crying (I’ve run out of stuff to put in brackets). I apparently went straight from baby crying to exclaiming “fucking hell, it’s pissing down again” at the tender age of three. Well, it WAS pissing down out there! (Still nothing to go in brackets).

I never really swore that much as a young teenager, but through the latter part of school and college the frequency increased. I never seemed to be convincing. Some friends have likened me to Will from The Inbetweeners as I am now, but I was probably more like that than either me or my friends could ever have imagined. My first job it toned down a little, then I got made redundant and couldn’t find work for seven months. Seven fucking months! This tested my patience and broke many things in my brain, including the barrier that held back all the naughty bum tit words. Then I went to work at a local car dealership in the service department. Within that environment I was surrounded by other males who swear as much as the next one and it almost sub-consciously becomes a challenge as to who can fit more “fucks” in one sentence than the next guy. I would get customers who drive me to lunacy and it would be all that I could do to not shout and swear at them. I’d have to go into the workshop and out-swear the mechanic whilst moaning about the twat who had been at the service desk previously. Working in a garage environment for a decade with a bunch of (talented) grease monkey (lovely people) bastard twats definitely made sure that my propensity to swear remained on an even keel with someone who fucking bastard bitch suffers from tourettes. Which I don’t. Cuntwallops. Swearing really just became habit, and despite the fact I could construct a decent, balanced argument I’d usually respond with expletives and a great big FUCK YOU at the end of it.

It got to a point where a few of us would try and egg each other on and try to make the manager swear. To fill you in on his background, he would never ever swear. The worst profanity he would express would be “shit”. He would never use the F-word. Ever. It was frustrating and made us swear even more, but we tried everything – pranks, practical jokes, wind ups, mimicking his voice, strange phone calls even, to try and get him to mutter the F-word. Three years of this and the most we ever got was “twat”. Oh my.

These days I am no longer within the motor trade and still swear like a fucking (told you) trooper. Partly because where I am now I still meet and greet complete and utter bellends (he did it again) for customers. Partly, though, it’s habit as I touched on before. However, it’s a habit I really ought to be stamping out, to a degree. Why? My a seventeen month old boy is exceptionally good at picking up words and he copies things so wonderfully now. He picks up stuff at an alarming rate. He’s already said “bugger” because of his Granny. So as you can imagine, I don’t really want him repeating any of my favoured swear words. Not at least until he’s old enough and tall enough that he can wallop me in the chops.

It is a shame as there is something in what these exceptionally well paid researchers have said. There is no better relief than exclaiming “FUCK” after you’ve run into the sixteenth door that year. Or hammering a nail through your hand and your name isn’t Jesus. There’s also something quite amusing about your wife calling you a cunt because you’ve wound her up for the five hundred and eighty¬†twelfth¬†time that day. Or calling your mates a cunt or a twat because THEY WON’T STOP PLAYING THAT FUCKING COUNTING TRAIN BLOODY SONG. For those uneducated, it is a child’s toy – a train driven by a frog that plays the MOST ANNOYING FUCKING SONG IN THE WORLD! I’M SHOUTING, I KNOW! I’M SWEARING I KNOW! ARSE BISCUITS! I CAN’T STOP IT. Ahem.

I’ve got swearing licked for the car as generally my son is in the car with me whenever I am so I have to be careful. Oh yes. I still epically fail at times, despite me creating my own swear language for road rage, parking rage and general ignorance rage that I inevitably suffer on a very frequent basis. It’s easy to follow, you can create your own! You simply substitute your least favourite celebrities for your favourite swear words. You can have hours of fun creating your own.

Here’s my “Swearing-but-not-swearing-in-front-of-my-child-whilst-driving-chart Chart”

Substitute fuck for fudge first off, then the following:
Bono – First rate total fucking Cunt
Piers Morgan – Ordinary cunt
Geldof – Twat
Phil Collins – Wanker
Sting – Arsehole
Bieber – Prick
Chris Martin – Knobhead
Courtney Love – Bitch

Heather Mills – This really is unrepeatable

Some drivers have looked rather bemused when I’ve called them a fudging, Geldofing Bono. Still, it’s good fun. And my son is none the wiser.

November 13, 2012 Posted by | Rants | Leave a comment


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