Captain Misery's Miserable Mishaps

It's all a load of bollocks, quite frankly

Remixed, remade, remodeled. Now fuck off!

The Professionals, The Prisoner, The Sweeney, Only Fools and Horses, Minder, The Italian Job, Get Carter. What do these television programmes and films all have in common? No, you’re wrong. They’re amongst my favourites and have all been subjected to or about to be subjected a remake.

Why? We don’t bloody need them! Honestly! The Professionals worked brilliantly as Martin Shaw, Lewis Collins and Gordon Jackson catching the villains screeching around in various rear wheel drive Fords, notably the Capri and RS2000 Escort. Not as some bird, a yank and a pussy Brit driving carefully around in a couple of Datsuns. Likewise with Minder, it worked with “loveable rogue” Arthur Daley played by George Cole and his long-suffering minder Terry McCann played suitably and brilliantly by Dennis Waterman. Hell, he even wrote the theme tune, sung the theme tune. You expected that, right? But the new one? No thanks, I’ll stick with my DVDs of the old series.

The Sweeney with Jack Regan portrayed by good old grouch, the late great John Thaw, cannot be bettered. Especially with Dennis Waterman (again) as his foil character George Carter. “Get your trousers on, son, you’re nicked” and “We’re the Sweeney son, and we haven’t had any dinner” are two of the best lines to eminate from Regan’s orifice. I have every confidence in Ray Winstone and wish him every success, but The Sweeney was a programme of its time and is where should stay in its own original format.

One remake that should never have got the green light is The Prisoner. Never has a programme fucked with my head so much, but in a good way. No programme has ever been a product of its time as much as this. Conceived by a rather smashed Patrick McGoohan (whilst still working on his other programme Dangerman) in the late sixties, it suits the whole psychedelia era and was limited to one series. That was enough. It’s my all-time favourite TV programme. None of it really made sense, it was confusing and the end of the series made you think “What the…” Perfect! So what about the modern remake? Never has a programme fucked with my head, but in such a terrible, spirit crushing manner.

Don’t even mention that God-awful 90s film version of The Avengers. Eeeeeeeek!

The original Italian Job to me is cinematic perfection. Italy. Minis. Old Alfas. Old Alfas being left for dead by Minis in a cheeky English chappy kind of way. An excellent storyline, a great cast and of course Michael Caine and Noel Coward. And the best ending of a film ever. You could make your own mind up as to what happened. The new one, however… Oh dear. It’s an okay film as it is and it has Charlize Theron in it so all is good on that front. But Charlie Croker was a Londoner, not a bloody yank. And it’s just trading on a name, hoping it will sell more. Very little of it is in Italy and they have those massive, quite frankly fucking dreadful, Minis made by BMW. Wasn’t much of a job either. Perhaps if it were just called “The” rather than trading on the name, I’d have liked it more.

Get Carter? Another Michael Caine flick and another of my favourites. Sly Stallone? Next please!

Now the latest culprit is Only Fools and Horses. One of my favourite sitcoms. To be remade for American audiences. Oh dear. I’ve nothing against Americans. I like some of their cars very much. I like the occasional cheese burger. With cheese. I like some of the people very much too. And one of my favourite current TV series (Criminal Minds) is American. But why in the name of all that is holy must they take everything that is good and remake it? What are you going to do to improve on it? You can’t really recreate two brothers who look nothing alike selling cat flaps from a suitcase out the back of a shitty three wheel van (which incidentally is NOT a Reliant Robin, it’s a Reliant Regal Supervan 3) in some grotty Peckham market. We’ve already had the prequel Rock ‘n’ Chips and the bloody awful Green Green Grass spinoff. No more please.

A remake of Red Dwarf, which by the sound of it was so disastrous that the pilot episode remains unaired, was commissioned by the Americans. I shudder at the thought. If you want Red Dwarf, you watch Chris Barrie, Danny John Jules, Craig Charles and Robert Llewellyn. A remake of Fawlty Towers was also commissioned. Not set in Torquay. Without John Cleese. Listen to me: IT WON’T FUCKING WORK YOU BUNCH OF RETARDS!! That was proven as it never went past the pilot episode. There are many, many more.

The same in some instances applies to music. Cover versions are fine if a:) played by a band who is a fan of the song live as a tribute or b:) takes the song and does a totally different take on it. Sampling of certain songs over and over again, largely by hippety-hop artists is getting tedious. Listen hippety-hoppety bluds, innit: You haven’t improved on the original, but instead usually robbed a old song’s best to avert the attention away from essentially the fact that wot you writ is a load of shit.

There are one or two exceptions to the rule. For instance, Jimi Hendrix’ version of All Along The Watchtower is a far, far superior version to Bob Dylan’s original. And I was never a huge Sherlock Holmes fan, but I do like Benedict Cumberbatch in BBC’s new Sherlock.

But on the whole, remakes are something that is causing me a great deal of stress. Why TV bosses cannot commission something new and original rather than try and remake and rehash stuff every five minutes is beyond me. Eight times out of ten, remakes shouldn’t get any further than the mind of the twat that thought it was a good idea to do in the first place. Now fuck off, there’s a good chap / chappess.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.


February 1, 2012 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , ,

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