Captain Misery's Miserable Mishaps

It's all a load of bollocks, quite frankly

What’s in a name: Part 2 the second (Special Sequel Limited Edition)

Writing about stupid car names was extremely enjoyable, but probably regarded by most to be a wee bit sad really. Which is fine by me. However, there was one glaring omission, very kindly pointed out by my mate Alec. The Mazda Bongo Friendee. Then that got me thinking, there must be other cars out there with names so diabolical. Something out there that would provide material for me to “write” about.

Mazda Scrum Wagon. Lose the "R" and you're almost there...

Mazda, generally have played it safe. The 323, 626, MX-5, RX-7 et al.  They were also feeling funky, vibrant and original when they called their MPV the, erm, Mazda MPV. However it seems Mazda are susceptible to anus biscuits for names. Some twatstick thought it would be a good idea to name a vehicle after a percussion instrument, but hang on, what the fuck is a Friendee? Especially one with two of the letter E at the end. Friendly would have still been a crap name but at least it’s a real fucking word. One Mazda that deserves a mention is the Japan-only Mazda Scrum Wagon. To describe this wagon for carrying those involved in a Rugby match, I can only provide you with a picture so you can see something that resembles Postman Pat’s van that’s collided with a bungalow.

The worrying emerging pattern is that most of the bad names emanate from Japan. Someone in Japan must have an English dictionary and just pick out random words. For example, Isuzu sold their 4×4 cars in the UK with different names to their Japanese counterparts. The Isuzu Trooper was known else where as the Isuzu Big Horn. Suzuki gave us the Suzuki Mobile Terrace Concept. Daihatsu went to go one better with the Rugged Field Sports Resin Top. Toyota thought they would try to top all of them with the Toyota Estima Lucida G Luxury Joyful Canopy. What were they doing? Were they having a competition to see who could get the biggest badge on the back of the vehicle?

Can anyone explain what a Mitsubishi Delica Space Gear Cruising Active does? Then of course is the Mitsubishi Carisma, which is the least apt name for a car. Carisma bypass would have been far nearer the mark. And let’s not forget the Mitsubishi Starion? Obviously it was meant to be called Stallion, but some one in the UK who did the marketing and price lists must have mis-heard…

The Peugeot 505 STD. They later launched the Peugeot 205 HIV and 309 VD.

And if you’ve read my previous entry on car names so absurd that the people (namely Nissan employees) that came up with them deserve to either be melted in a vat of acid or given brain transplants, don’t think I’ve finished with Nissan either. Fancy giving a limited edition model of your best-selling small car the name “Wave”. Genius. So then you have a Nissan Micra Wave. However, a Micra Wave is the last of your worries when your company decides to brand a car the Nissan Urban Dump. I would love to meet whoever thought up this name. I take it whoever named this particular edition had a damn good sense of humour. Not as much of a sense of humour that gave the following suffix: Subaru Impreza STI. And whilst we concentrate on the people of Camborne’s favourite things, please note the Peugeot 505 STD in the picture. Slightly unfortunate, n’es pas?

The other thing that bugs me slightly is when punctuation marks and symbols are used in model names needlessly. For example, Top Gear’s reasonably priced car, the Kia C’eed, or its three door sibling, the randomly named Kia pro_c’eed. And whilst we are dealing with the Koreans, maybe the Hyundai Atoz should get a mention. Supposed to be a witty take on A to Z (what do you mean you’re not laughing either?) what it actually should have been called is the Hyundai No Fucker Gives Atoz.  The Hyundai Getz (Gitz) is a bit rubbish also.

The Germans, what with their sense of humour and all that, aren’t free from it all either. Volkswagen, the creator of the world’s nastiest car (the Beetle) launched a posh and expensive off roader. We’ll ignore the fact that Volks Wagen literally translated into English means People’s Car and crack a whip at this £70,000 plus vehicle. The Touareg. Supposed to be pronounced Twa-regg, it’s more commonly refered to as the Toerag.

But as it is nearing the end of this post, it is time to get to the podium of strange names and yes, they are all Japanese.

In third position, we have the Isuzu Giga 20 Light Dump. They could have saved time and called it Isuzu Toilet Break.

In second position, we have the Mitsubishi Mini Active Urban Sandal. So, judging by this name I would assume it is small, moves, lives in the city and you can wear it on your feet? I never thought Mitsubishi as manufacturers of footwear. They’ve made some dull and tedious cars but never footwear.

The Mitsubishi Mum 500 Shall We Join Us? wins Paul's accolade of most absurdly named car.... in the world. Which is more pointless than the car or its name.

Our victor, however, must have literally swallowed an English dictionary and just picked out random English words to have come up with this corker. It’s Mitsubishi again with their town car, the “Mum 500 Shall We Join Us?”. Rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? Yes, that is a genuine car name and the question mark is also part of the name. I’m just glad in this country they named their small car the Colt.

I’d like to submit a few of my own made-up names that perhaps Nissan et al could possibly use in the future. Here goes:
Nissan Cook A Peregrine Falcon With Tampon Ketchup Thankyou Please!
Honda My Hovercraft is Full of Eels
Daihatsu Lightbulb Overlord Majestic Piece
Mitsubishi Oh! Hark The Mighty Subsonic Drum Watch Plaza Screen Test
Kia pro_lapse
Mazda Excellent Cock I’ve Most Had Recent Good Time Johnny?
Nissan Arthur
Toyota Hasp And Staple Bollocks I Can’t Stop….Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..Fuck!

Suddenly I feel quite smug with the name of my car. Fiat Punto sounds sweet in comparison with some of these abominations that are for real. Like I said in my last post about car names, Peugeot, Ferrari and up to recently Alfa Romeo seem to have it right. Numerical symbols for model types. It works in every language and no one gets confused. Unless the Italians do it and the British are too ignorant to pronounce it correctly (yes, Cinquecento). However, the Americans seem to have some really excellent names. You simply cannot get better than Ford Mustang or Corvette Stingray. Awesome names for awesome cars.


September 26, 2011 - Posted by | Motoring

1 Comment »

  1. […] have prattled on about stupid car names before (cheeky plug: Part one is here, part two is here), but I think the Vauxhall Adam is an incredibly stupid name. I can just see it now, a group test […]

    Pingback by I’m Adam-ant it’s a Vauxhall « Andrex Extra Soft Blog Roll | May 14, 2012 | Reply

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