Captain Misery's Miserable Mishaps

It's all a load of bollocks, quite frankly

What’s in a name? That which we call a…

Choosing a name is important. I think we chose well with the name we gave our child, but there are certain celebrity types that have dropped major clangers. Yes, Mr Chris Diet-Bono Martin, calling your daughter Apple Blossom ICI Dulux Cherryade wasn’t the best of ideas now, was it? Still, it could be worse. For instance if you trace the history of the car, there have been some absolute stinkers over the years.

Peugeot and, up to recently, Alfa Romeo have played it safe by giving their cars a numerical suffix to distinguish the different cars they sell. The Alfa Romeo 156. The Peugeot 205, for instance, has a certain ring to it and has become widely regarded as a classic, especially in GTi form.

Nissan (or Datsun depending on the era), on the other hand, haven’t been so lucky and have insisted on using names. The Nissan Cedric being one of them. Nissan Cedric doesn’t have a certain ring to it and has become widely regarded as a bag of shite, especially in car form. But I’m not letting Nissan off the hook here, especially as they seem to have a track record for providing names that provide more hilarity than the entire first season of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

My Nissan Drizzle 1.6 SLX

My second victim of name calling would be what has to be the most ironically named car in the history of mankind itself. Tell me, how can something that is as interesting as a Thermos Flask, as inviting as Devon and handles like a drunk man trying to lift a night storage heater be given a name that implies a positive disposition? I owned one of these bastard cars and the only thing positive on it was the + battery terminal. Mr Clarkson was bang on the money when he decreed the car should have been called the “Drizzle” or “Bank Holiday Washout”.

This, however, is not the worst case of naming from Nissan. In the Eighties, Nissan were to launch a new sports Coupe, complete with fashionable pop-up headlights and a turbo-charged 1.8 litre engine under the bonnet. Essentially, a budget (ish) coupe aimed at Capri owners. So, aimed at blokes then. Sure the car looked a bit of a damp squib but what do you think Nissan called it? No, you’re wrong. The car was called a Silvia. I mean Silvia, come on! It’s as manly as David Walliams decreeing he’s “a lady” prancing around to “Dancing Queen” whilst wearing a full ballet get-up in pink.

The Nissan Juke. As ugly as a hatful of assholes

Recent years we have had things like Micra, Primera and Almera. All very reasonable, all very acceptable, all very dull. Pretty much like the cars themselves, but those names you could get away with. Things like the Nissan Note? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Thanks guys but I intend to drive my car, not write and/or read it. And what fucking shit were they on when they came up with Qashqai? What the fuck is a Qashqai? What does it do? You mean you don’t know either? Fuck, we’re all screwed then. If it were the last car on earth I wouldn’t own one. Would you own a car called Qashpoint? I think not. However, I think Nissan’s latest effort takes the biscuit. To wow the world is yet another of those crossover four wheel drive efforts. Ladies and Gentlepersons, I give you the Nissan Juke. I really cannot wait for Nissan to bring out a commercial van version of it. What will they call it? The Jukebox I hope!

Anyway, enough of bullying Nissan for a moment. My car manufacturer of choice is, as I’m sure you know, Fiat. Things haven’t always gone well for Fiat in the naming stakes and remained numerically suffixed until the very early Eighties. They started with the Uno, which was a good car with a good name. It does tail off a bit. Punto, whilst sounds good, means nothing more than “point” but in Italian. The Stilo, which is supposed sound like style simply means pencil. The Tipo may well be the best and most cleverly packaged car in the last 25 years in terms if interior space, but why call it the Type? I won’t even go into the face that Fiat renamed the Fiat 132 to Argenta just as the Falklands conflict was heating up. Oh bollocks, I already did.

Other manufacturers stick to just naming shit randomly when they bring out special editions of particular cars. The one that made me really laugh was Citroen C3 Desire. I laughed so hard when I saw that. I’m sorry but a C3 is a car that you just cannot desire, especially in our experience. My wife had one you see. Swear at?  Yeah. Shake your fist at? Yeah. Kick? Woah hell yeah. When it inevitably goes all French and surrenders you want to kill it. But Desire? No, you desire a C3 in the same way you desire getting AIDS.

Dear old Pablo Picasso would be turning in his grave if he had the knowledge that Citroen had decided to name a range of decidedly average MPVs (that’s Multi Purpose Vehicle or My Life is Over to you or me) in his (dis) honour. I mean, what next, the Volkswagen Golf Beethoven? The Aston Martin DB9 McCartney? Stop it now please, stop it now.


September 15, 2011 - Posted by | Motoring | , , , , , , , , ,


  1. Ha, nice blog entry mate! A little bit of lateral thinking would go a hell of a long way for these silly, silly peopel.

    Got to give honourable mention to the Nissan Bongo “Friendee”. I do not know what a “Friendee” is or what it means, but I have absolutely no intention of finding out.

    Comment by Raziel4707 | September 17, 2011 | Reply

  2. […] have prattled on about stupid car names before (cheeky plug: Part one is here, part two is here), but I think the Vauxhall Adam is an incredibly stupid name. I can just see it […]

    Pingback by I’m Adam-ant it’s a Vauxhall « Andrex Extra Soft Blog Roll | May 14, 2012 | Reply

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