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It's all a load of bollocks, quite frankly

The zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Factor

No, that’s not a euphemism for my current lack of sleep due to the arrival of my newborn son last week, although there have been one or two nights like that.

No, it is because I am utterly bored and tired of the mention of Cheryl Colemans Mustard and the American version of that so-called Talent show, so ironically I’m writing about her and it. I tend to not follow celebrity news for very obvious reasons, but especially when it involves a Geordie tart that no one in the US of A has heard of and one that feels the need to half lip-sync a “live” performance. She has, allegedly, been a judge on the UK X Factor. The news was sweet, she’d be shipped over to the US and stay over there, in an ill-advised attempted to yet again judge, allegedly, on the American version and we’d be rid of her and her “Wurth eeit” nonsense.

Imagine my horror when I turn on the news and no matter what is going on in the world, the main news story on Sky and BBC is that Chernobyl Coleman has been booted of the USA Fed-Ex Factor. At first I thought “Oh fuck, that means we have her back” but this was quickly replaced with “I really, really couldn’t give a monkey’s toss” and switched over to another news source. Which had EXACTLY the same news story. And the internet was the same. And don’t get me started on the tabloids.

The reasons surrounding her dismissal from the alleged programme were that none of the Americans could understand her. A friend of mine happened to point out that no one in the UK can understand her either. Other people, and obviously these news sites, claim she was battling depression and had been crying all week. Diddums. Bless. Etc. But answer me this; why in the name of all that is holy are we meant to care so much for a talentless, Geordie chav with no redeeming qualities other than the fact she can sell a few bottles of shampoo? Even that is not particularly redeeming as the self-service robot-a-ma-bob in my local branch of Tesco can also sell me shampoo. The bit that irks me the most is how someone so talentless judges, erm, talent. I hate these “talent” shows anyway, but if you must have a current female popstar as a judge, you need one with a bit of something to back it up. Someone with a bit of talent and prowess. So obviously that rules out Nadine Coyle.

The only one I can genuinely think of is Lady GaGa. Now in all honesty, I wasn’t a big fan to start off with. However, after watching her Monster Ball stage show broadcast and her appearance on Radio 1’s big weekend has totally revised my opinion of her and I really cannot help but be mesmerised. The fact that she rates Iron Maiden and Queen as two of her favourite bands helps. But there really is something about her that I dig, baby, yeah. And by fuck when she tries can she sing. Most of all, she can write, produce, perform and is a multi-instrumentalist. You just need to dig a little deeper beneath the facade. I find her quite fascinating. The only thing fascinating about Cherry Cola is how quickly my imaginary box of golf balls that I like to throw at the television is diminishing. Cheryl, do me one favour – don’t make me run out of golf balls, so stay the fuck off my TV. Why? Because it cost me £350 and, let’s say eeit, it’s wurth eeit, wye aye etc.

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June 1, 2011 - Posted by | Rants

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