Andrex Extra Soft Blog Roll

It's all a load of bollocks, quite frankly

The Ultimate Definitive Essential Anthology of Greatest Best Of Hits

It has come to my attention through the very subtle means of TV advertising that two of my favourite bands have released compilations. ELO and Joy Division/New Order have released “The Very Best Of” and “Total” respectively. But it’s made me think to create my own compilation. A 5CD compilation that you would find in Tesco for about £3.00.

So, whilst my baby boy is settled and sound asleep and the wife is also catching forty winks I shall attempt this 100 song compendium. Yes, you’re about to witness something utterly boring. This is “Now That’s What I Call Paul’s Essential 100 Ultimate Songs Definitive Anthology As Seen Not On TV Collection In The World… Ever!”

Now the rules for this are only one song per artist. I have to do that otherwise I’d put countless Beatles, ZZ Top, Iron Maiden, Lightning Seeds et al and to hell with it.

1. Electric Light Orchestra – Dont Bring Me Down (Best rocker ELO ever did)
2. Iron Maiden – The Number of the Beast (Really hard to choose, but this clinched it)
3. ZZ Top – I Need You Tonight (Not one of their well-known hits, but a superb track from the “Eliminator” LP)
4. Steppenwolf – Born To Be Wild
5. AC/DC – Highway To Hell
6. Blue Oyster Cult – (Don’t Fear) The Reaper (Awesomeness in a song, but you MUST have the full length version. The single edit cut out the entire guitar solo)
7. Rainbow – Since You Been Gone (Brilliant vocals by Graham Bonnet)
8. Boston – More Than A Feeling
9. Saxon – Wheels of Steel (How these guys aren’t as popular as they should be is beyond me). saxon – wheels of steel
10. Gary Moore & Phil Lynott – Out in the Fields
11. Queen – I Want It All
12. Volbeat – Heaven Nor Hell (Stomping song from their latest LP)
13. Motorhead – The One To Sing The Blues
14. The Who – Won’t Get Fooled Again (Especialy in its full 8 minute glory)
15. The Offspring – Gone Away (Just brilliant)
16. Thin Lizzy – Dancing In The Moonlight (No, not that godawful Toploader song, this is bloody marvellous)
17. Thunderclap Newman – Something In The Air
18. Chris Rea – Looking for the Summer
19. Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here (The hairs on the back of my neck stand up when I hear this)
20. Wilson Pickett – Mustang Sally
21. Howlin’ Wolf – Smokestack Lightning
22. The Allman Brothers – Jessica (Yes, it’s the Top Gear theme tune, but before it was used for that it was a staple in their live shows)
23. 10cc – Rubber Bullets
24. Talking Heads – And She Was
25. Joy Division – Love Will Tear Us Apart (Fantastic. And I can play it)
26. The Smiths – How Soon Is Now
27. Stone Roses – I Wanna Be Adored
28. The Lightning Seeds – Change (Yes, my favourite band and one of the best singles)
29. The Stranglers – Golden Brown
30. The Jam – A Town Called Malice
31. Supertramp – Logical Song
32. Supergrass – Moving
33. America – A Horse With No Name
34. John Lee Hooker – Boom Boom Boom
35. Bo Diddley – Mona
36. Deep Purple – Black Night (Tell me this isn’t a great riff and I’ll slap you silly)
37. Cream – Sunshine of Your Love
38. The Buzzcocks – Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve)?
39. Blondie – Heart of Glass (Debbie Harry…. oh Debbie, my first pin-up. And I love the song. Obviously)
40. Sophie Ellis Bextor – Today The Sun’s On Us (Sophie… oh Sophie… my favourite pin-up. And again, I love the song. Obviously)
41. Calvin Harris – I’m Not Alone
42. New Order – True Faith (In my mind the best single and music promo video ever released)
43. Paul McCartney – Pretty Little Head (An obscure one, no one has heard of it. Experimental and fucking brilliant, end of)
44. OMD – Enola Gay
45. The Cure – Lullaby
46. Crowded House – Recurring Dream (Live favourite and B-side, never formally released until bits and bobs album “Afterglow”)
47. Electronic – Getting Away With It
48. Fleetwood Mac – Gypsy
49. Bob Marley – Three Little Birds
50. Split Enz – The Devil You Know
51. Terry Hall – Grief Disguised As Joy (You really should check out the album this came off, Home. Produced by Ian Broudie)
52. The Korgis – Everybody’s Got To Learn Sometime
53. Blur – The Universal
54. Astrud Gilberto – The Girl From Ipanema
55. Peggy Lee – Fever
56. Imelda May – Johnny Got a Boom Boom (If you haven’t got into Imelda May yet, then why not?)
57. Tim Finn – Persuasion (Seeing this live is one of those goose-bump moments)
58. Suzanne Vega – Luka
59. Johnny Cash – One
60. Kate Bush – Running Up That Hill
61. The Corrs – Only When I Sleep
62. Queensryche – Silent Lucidity
63. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers – Refugee
64. Neil Finn – King Tide
65. Lindsey Buckingham – Trouble
66. World Party – Is It Like Today?
67. Ian Broudie – Song For No One
68. George Michael – Waiting For That Day
69. Stereophonics – Dakota
70. Goldfrapp – Rocket
71. The Chemical Brothers – The Private Psychedelic Reel
72. Faithless – Insomnia
73. The Prodigy – Climbatise
74. The Specials – Ghost Town
75. Space – Female of the Species
76. Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band – Canyons of your Mind (Youtube this today, it’s wonderful)
77. Stevie wonder – Boogie on Reggae Woman
78. Michael Jackson – Beat It
79. Lady GaGa – Again, Again (I cannot stop playing this)
80. Guns n’ Roses – Paradise City
81. Rolling Stones – Miss You
82. Lynyrd Skynyrd – Sweet Home Alabama
83. Dire Straits – Sultans of Swing
84. Small Faces – All or Nothing
85. Paul Weller – Out of the sinking
86. George Harrison – That’s What it Takes
87. David Bowie – Ashes To Ashes
88. Depeche Mode – Enjoy The Silence
89. Monaco – What Do You Want From Me
90. Tears For Fears – Everybody Wants To Rule the World
91. Ultravox – Vienna
92. Outkast – Hey Ya!
93. Greenday – Longview
94. Therapy? – Screamager
95. Rammstein – Sehnsucht
96. Slipknot – Psychosocial
97. Black Sabbath – Sabbath Bloody Sabbath
98. Jimi Hendrix – All Along The Watchtower (So much better than Bob Dylan’s original it’s embarrassing)
99. Led Zeppelin – Stairway to Heaven (‘Nuff said)
100. The Beatles – Golden Slumbers / Carry That Weight / The End (Medley) (Just about the best way to end an album ever)

Phew, finished. And it was a lot harder than anticipated. I’ve also come to the conclusion that I need to get out more. And on the flip side of that, get more sleep.
However, if you’ve got a top 100 CD compilation you’ve made like that, I’d like to see it. Send it across!

Night night for now.

June 11, 2011 Posted by | Music | 3 Comments

I’m going slightly… Dad!

It finally happened, ooh ooh, it finally happened, oh yes. And I don’t mean the ruthless pilfering of the Queen song either. As of Tuesday 24th May I became a father. I am delighted to post that, as predicted by the people in the hospital type place, he is a boy and most important of all doesn’t look anything like the milkman. Oh, and he’s human too, which will help matters when it comes to going to the registry office later on today and the creation of his birth certificate.

To say it was a traumatic birth for me would be unfair. Firstly, even though I looked (look?) pregnant I can rest assure I neither am nor was. Secondly, Jayne gave birth being a woman and this and that and she’d kick my ass. She was scary before pregnancy, during pregnancy and is mildly scary afterward, and I treasure my gluteus maximus as it’s a handy device on which to sit.

It was an unplanned home birth as we had planned to go to the local birthing pool. Jayne (the Amazonian Earth Mother, according to my cousin, for reasons you’re about to read about) had her midwife arrive to check her over so we could travel to the birthing pool. This never transpired as son number one was far too keen and didn’t want to bother with the hassle of being transported 20 minutes away, and instead our bathroom became the birth suite.

Long story (which it is) cut very short is when the midwife examined Jayne, she could touch the hair on baby’s head and see that Jayne was fully dilated. This was at 2pm. Within an hour and a half he was born. The rest of the details I won’t be going into because it’s private and all that, isn’t it, but my son was born in a khazi in Camborne. Inspired choice, my boy. Hmmm. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say there’s something in the water around this neck of the woods. Our friend’s second son was born in much a similar way, but even more accelerated and one of her friends also gave birth in the bathroom. And we’re all within 2 miles of each other.

I was talking with a friend over the weekend about the supposed moment you get when you first hold your baby. You know, that moment that is in all the TV shows and all the movies viewed through rose-tinted spectacles. But neither him nor me had that. Tiredness was probably the main contributing factor. As it happened, Jayne was in labour since the previous Thursday so I didn’t sleep at night-time in case I had to rush her to the birthing suite. After it took literally some time to sink in, the main things I remember were as soon as he “arrived”, for want of a better word, his eyes were open immediately and he was silent. Very silent. Freakishly silent, quite frankly. Then the noise happened, oh yes. Eardrums bleeding kind of noise after nothingness. Everything happened so quickly there literally was no time to think about anything. Put simply, baby came out, I cut the cord, midwife wrapped baby in towels and dumped him in my arms and told me to get on with it. Which is just as well because Jayne was carted off into the bedroom to be checked over and fixed where necessary. I had no time to think about what was happening, more like “Right, I have this little thing bundled up in some bath towels, now what do I do?” It would be a further hour or so before Jayne had any contact with baby, so in the mean time I had to keep it together for this little bundle of joy.

It is a truly heartwarming experience afterwards though. You’re holding something so small, so fragile and so precious and it is a wonderful feeling. Especially with our lad, he’s a bright one. He is so alert it is uncanny. He has also rolled over onto his side five months before he is supposed to, much to the concern of our GP who was giving him his 24 hour check over. He managed to roll over onto his side and nearly off the end of the examination bed. The sleepless nights were inevitable and in the first few nights he wouldn’t settle in his Moses basket due to suffering with colic. So I stayed up with him with numerous recorded episodes of Top Gear or whatever I’d sky plussed from Sky Arts previously at the ready to keep me awake and partially sane. Countless cups of tea and even though I hate coffee usually, I’d developed a taste for that. If not for any other reason then just for the caffeine boost to keep me alert. Red bull would be next.

He’s had a great, if unorthodox, start in life and has got some great people around him. I hope we stand the test of time as parents, but we’re definitely enjoying it and our love for him is immense. But we’ve got such good family around us, and we have some wonderful friends to keep us and him going too. I’m so proud of my wonderful wife, and extremely thankful for giving me such a beautiful little boy.

I’ll end it on a slightly lighter hearted note. I liked my Fiat Stilo a lot, for some strange reason. I’ve talked about it rather a lot. I’ve also talked about how much I hate my wife’s turd chunk of a car. So why am I using the past tense toward my Stilo? Well, I have been forced to concede that ‘Er Indoor’s Vauxhall Bastard Corsa (yes, the car fitted with a gearbox so dimwitted it makes Paris Hilton look like a member of Mensa) is far more baby child friendly than my car. The pram fits in the boot in the Fiat but you can only get it in in such an angle that nothing else fits. And being a three door it’s a pain in the arse getting the car seat in and out. Her shitebox of a car fits the seat in no worries (it’s a five door) and the pram fits in perfectly in the boot. Which is annoying, quite frankly.

And there you have it….

June 8, 2011 Posted by | Other Stuff! | Leave a comment

Another rant… about Bono! Who knew?

Mr B. Ono-Twat

We couldn't spell "Oi'm an overpaid, egotistical wanker" so we made do with "Twat"

Well, not so much a rant as so much a gloat. Imagine my delight / disdain when I turn on my computer this morning and point my web browser in the general direction of the nearest news site, only to be greeted by news stories of Bono. I thought wonderful, I can write another rant on my arch-nemesis. But hold on, for this entry I can take a day off as I have no need to.

It seems the British public will be giving their own views at a summer festival. You see U2 are headlining Glastonbury, God help us all. They were due to headline last year but Bono fell over and hurt his back. However, this year U2’s set may not go according to plan as a bunch of campaigners are planning to hold protests during their set. An activist group called “Art Uncut” plan to demonstrate throughout the band’s set over their decision to move their business affairs to the Netherlands from Ireland.

A spokesman for Art Uncut has said “Bono claims to care about the developing world, but U2 greedily indulges in the very kind of tax avoidance which is crippling the poor nations of this world. We will be showing the very real impact of U2’s tax avoidance on hospitals and schools in Ireland. Anyone watching (the Glastonbury protest) will be very much aware that Bono needs to pay up”.

A spokesman for Bono may have said something, but I lost interest half way through.

A spokesman for the Andrex Extra Soft Blog Roll later commented “Bono is a nauseating, hypocritical, greedy, overpaid, egotistical wanker.”

June 6, 2011 Posted by | Rants | Leave a comment

The zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Factor

No, that’s not a euphemism for my current lack of sleep due to the arrival of my newborn son last week, although there have been one or two nights like that.

No, it is because I am utterly bored and tired of the mention of Cheryl Colemans Mustard and the American version of that so-called Talent show, so ironically I’m writing about her and it. I tend to not follow celebrity news for very obvious reasons, but especially when it involves a Geordie tart that no one in the US of A has heard of and one that feels the need to half lip-sync a “live” performance. She has, allegedly, been a judge on the UK X Factor. The news was sweet, she’d be shipped over to the US and stay over there, in an ill-advised attempted to yet again judge, allegedly, on the American version and we’d be rid of her and her “Wurth eeit” nonsense.

Imagine my horror when I turn on the news and no matter what is going on in the world, the main news story on Sky and BBC is that Chernobyl Coleman has been booted of the USA Fed-Ex Factor. At first I thought “Oh fuck, that means we have her back” but this was quickly replaced with “I really, really couldn’t give a monkey’s toss” and switched over to another news source. Which had EXACTLY the same news story. And the internet was the same. And don’t get me started on the tabloids.

The reasons surrounding her dismissal from the alleged programme were that none of the Americans could understand her. A friend of mine happened to point out that no one in the UK can understand her either. Other people, and obviously these news sites, claim she was battling depression and had been crying all week. Diddums. Bless. Etc. But answer me this; why in the name of all that is holy are we meant to care so much for a talentless, Geordie chav with no redeeming qualities other than the fact she can sell a few bottles of shampoo? Even that is not particularly redeeming as the self-service robot-a-ma-bob in my local branch of Tesco can also sell me shampoo. The bit that irks me the most is how someone so talentless judges, erm, talent. I hate these “talent” shows anyway, but if you must have a current female popstar as a judge, you need one with a bit of something to back it up. Someone with a bit of talent and prowess. So obviously that rules out Nadine Coyle.

The only one I can genuinely think of is Lady GaGa. Now in all honesty, I wasn’t a big fan to start off with. However, after watching her Monster Ball stage show broadcast and her appearance on Radio 1’s big weekend has totally revised my opinion of her and I really cannot help but be mesmerised. The fact that she rates Iron Maiden and Queen as two of her favourite bands helps. But there really is something about her that I dig, baby, yeah. And by fuck when she tries can she sing. Most of all, she can write, produce, perform and is a multi-instrumentalist. You just need to dig a little deeper beneath the facade. I find her quite fascinating. The only thing fascinating about Cherry Cola is how quickly my imaginary box of golf balls that I like to throw at the television is diminishing. Cheryl, do me one favour – don’t make me run out of golf balls, so stay the fuck off my TV. Why? Because it cost me £350 and, let’s say eeit, it’s wurth eeit, wye aye etc.

June 1, 2011 Posted by | Rants | Leave a comment


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