Andrex Extra Soft Blog Roll

It's all a load of bollocks, quite frankly

My list of the worst cars …………………. in the world

I’m sure you all know by now that it has to be a certain type of car that for me does the business. Different sorts of cars appeal to me, Italian motors, something a bit different – you may say quirky even, muscle cars. Some cars that aren’t even very good, yet have that certain something that makes me like them.

What I cannot stand in a car is something that is made to be just a car. Something with no soul. Something designed and created by a comittee designed purely to transport a person from point A to point B. Function with nothing else. Like every other bloke in this world that likes cars, I have a Fantasy Garage of metal I would like to own and if you look through the archives you can go and visit it, read it and make your own minds up. However, this particular entry looks at my Worst Nightmare Garage. The Top 10 cars that have no business whatsoever existing. Some may be predictable, some may be a surprise. All of them I hate on a cellular level. Every fibre of their existance annoys the crap out of me. So, enough of the preamble and hence forth the list!

The list is no particular order, except for the last one, which is the car that is the worst.

Morris Marina

Morris Piano 1800 ES (Extra Shit)This was BL’s answer to the Ford Cortina. Based on already twenty year old technology – technically underneath these were nothing more than Morris Minors. Colours were normally beige. The shape was beige, the driving experience was beige, the engine was beige, the brakes were beige, the gears were beige. The only thing that wasn’t beige was the monumental oversteer on the early 1.8 models. These damn things were so ordinary as a car, and woefully hideous to drive. If you ever see one of these, please drop a piano on it as it’s the only thing they are good for. One little bit of advice for you – please whatever you do ever start a conversation with a Marina owner. I’ve done that once, wondering why they bothered to buy one in the first place. Trust me, it’s not a good idea.

Nissan Sunny

Nissan Drizzle 1.6 SLX Quite possibly the most inappopriately named car in the world, ever! Nissan Drizzle is more like it. The photo shown here is a photo of a Drizzle I once owned. Suffice to say that was never a proud moment in my life. This car really was a woeful, miserable, hateful, reliable, boring, ugly mode of transport. It handled as well as a Tesco trolley, the ride as comfortable as a pogo stick, a dashboard made out of shiny milk tray cartons and to cap it all, the seats were upholstered in a mix of brown and beige velour.

Vauxhall Vectra

Vauxhall Vectra

This car really wasn’t designed at all. An all new name for something that looked like a Cavalier, only more dreary. Except for its wing mirrors. These things were designed purely for transporting a sales rep from point A to point B with the minimum of fuss. In fact, what it turned out to be was a motoring turd. It was assembled with the same care as a piece of Argos furniture and was a reliable as a smack addict. Coupled to which, it drive with all the panache of a tumbling hippo.

Alfa Romeo Arna

Alfa Romeo ArnaIt really pains me to include an Alfa, being such an Alfa nut. The theory was good – a joint venture between Alfa and Nissan – Nissan could supply the build quality and reliability and Alfa the character, driving experience and styling. Something got lost in translation though. The Arna was a Nissan Cherry with an Alfa badge, Nissan suspension and running gear with an Alfasud engine bolted to it. What resulted was an unreliable, rusty minger of a hatchback with all the character of a blade of grass.

CityRover

ShittyRoverWhat Rover did is import a crappy little Indian car that cost £2000, put Rover badges on it and charged as near as makes no difference £8500 for it. Not much in the way of upgrades from the Indian car were made – the tracing paper dashboard remained, no quality control whatsoever and it was quite a bit dearer than the Fiat Panda. Which is why the Fiat Panda won the Car of the Year award and the ShittyRover didn’t. What idiot let this car get past the ideas stage?

BMW Mini

MiniI love the original Mini. I think it’s one of the best cars ever made, period. The style, the chic image, the way it drives, the smile it puts on your face and most importantly the size. I love tiny cars. However, BMW have made a new Mini which is nothing more than a parody of the old Mini. A retro fashion accessory driven by estate agents. True, it kind of looks like the old Mini but have you seen the size of if? They should have called it the BMW Fucking Massive. It is the size of Devon and about as appealing. For a car of the size the packaging is shocking, there’s precious little room inside. What really drives me up the wall though is the fact that a new derivative seems to be launched every week. The picture I have included here is what I want to do to all the variants of modern Mini.

 

G-Whiz

 

G-Whiz

What were the designers of this bloody thing thinking? Firstly, electric cars are NOT the way forward. Secondly if you crashed into a leaf at 3mph in a G-Jizz-Pot, it’d be a fatality. This sort of thing should only ever be used as roller skate. It deserves destroying, which wouldn’t take much to be honest. Breathe near it, that’ll do it.

Toyota RAV4

Toyota (T)Rav(esty) 4Firstly, I hate these so-called “Soft Roaders”. Mainly because these things were never much cop off-road. You’d be better going off-road in a soft drinks bottle. Crucially though, they were never any good on the road either. All they are ever used for are school runs – so why not buy an estate car? Presumably they were styled by the same design guru that came up with the Little Tikes GTi. Certainly no one other than Noddy and Big Ears could ever drive one?

Citroen Xsara Picasso


Shitroen Xsara PicassoHere we go, the world of MPVs. Now I’ve always said that if you own an MPV you are somewhat past it. Your biological purpose in life is complete therefore your role in the giant scheme of things is over. This is what you are saying to people when you say “I have a Xsara Picasso”. True to form I’ve never met anyone who owns a Xsara Picasso that is either particularly agreeable or that I would, for instance, share a seat on a bus with. And just look at it – a sea of grey mediocrity. Inside it’s a sea of grey plastic mediocrity! It also has a penchant for throwing its electrics out once a month and in general breaks down more often than Lindsey Lohan.

So here we are, the car that deserves no place in this world whatsoever is ……… cue drum roll…

You knew it, I knew it, we all knew it. It’s the Toyota Prius!

Guilt Ridden Pile of Fucking ShitYes, the darling of the guilt-ridden celebrity set. First off, the interior is not especially well made or finished off. It’s not cheap. It’s quick. It’s not even that economical. It is comical though. It’s aimed at those who think they’re saving the planet. The Hollywood celebrities lap these things up, almost to over-compensate for their 3 Mustangs, 5 Ferraris and gas guzzling limousines they have. The truth of the matter is this – they are not green and they won’t save the planet. In fact they will do more harm than good. In fact, this next bit is recycled from one of my past blogs written about the Prius.

“Because Hybrids are not the answer, as the carbon footprint to make one of these tree-hugging, so called planet-saving pieces of polished turd is far greater than a normal car.

Would you like me to explain? No? Tough, I’m going to. You see, the Prius, being a hybrid, is powered by both an internal combustion engine and also batteries. The batteries are the problem as they are nickel metal hydride. The nickel, is mined in Ontario in the good old US of A. This is smelted nearby, which naturally harms the environment. The smelted nickel is then shipped to Wales to be refined and then on to China to be made into nickel foam. And only then does it go on to Japan to be made into a battery then transported to the factory to be installed in the cars. Which uses a good old amount of fossil fuels in the transportation to get the materials from point A to point B. A firm in America rates cars on the combined energy needed to “plan, build, sell, drive and dispose of a vehicle from initial concept to eventual scrappage”. Check these statistics out, a Prius costs $2.87 per lifetime mile, whereas a Hummer H3 costs $2.07. Now I’m not suggesting you go out and buy a Hummer (except if you want to run over Bono in it) because they are as useful as trying to piss into a colander and you’d be stupid for doing so. But just think of it logically. Any vehicle that has a battery that either part or fully powers it is not a long term solution. You need fossil fuels to create batteries, you need fossil fuels to recharge the batteries when they are flat. Or in the case of a hybrid, the internal combustion engine charges the battery, which uses unleaded petrol. Which is a non-renewable energy source, i.e fossil fuels. So, you may as well buy a run of the mill car like a Fiesta, Focus or Punto which don’t go through the same rigmarole in the manufacturing process like the Prius does and therefore can technically be classed as greener cars. In some cases they can also provide much better fuel economy than a Prius. Or take the latest line of Bluemotion Volkswagen diesel cars, for example. Not only are they road tax exempt, they produce far less C02 than a Prius and return up to 88mpg. It’s a no-brainer. The argument for buying a Prius is becoming more and more woolly by the second.

So there we are. There are many more I can think of, which I shall save for another episode. Thankyou and goodnight.

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April 11, 2011 - Posted by | Motoring

1 Comment »

  1. Loved the rant about ‘worst cars…in the world’, there’s loads more but this lot will do for now. The BMW Mini. I’ve tried to like it, but it still hurts my eyes to look at it And the Prius, Oh please?

    I started my driving career by buying up scrapped Ford 105E Anglia’s. As they were being discarded for the new Escort back in the day, I had a supply of cheap funky little cars that were easy to drive and easy to maintain. They were not powerful or particularly quick, but they were honest and uncomplicated. This was decades before Harry Potter made them famous.

    Starting with recycled cars, I went on to owning cars for long periods of time, only buying new cars that were 6 months old to start with and generally passing them around the family for 10 years, or whenever they expired, caring nothing for driving an ‘old car’, most of the time.

    One of the best long lived cars I’ve owned was a 1993 Volvo 460. From 1993 – 2007 when it died with nearly 300.000 on the clock. Surprisingly fast and agile despite being built like a tank, it saved my life in a motorway pile up where the other cars involved were written off and had to towed from the scene, I was shaken but not stirred and merely drove it home. Having it checked out by a garage, I was told that to repair the damaged side impacted doors, they would have to write it off, but if I ignored the gouges, I could drive it as it would not fail the MOT, and it never did!

    I drove that battle scarred car with pride until it was all used up and then scrapped it. The only car I’ve ever scrapped, but with the knowledge that many of its useful parts would be recycled.

    Another long lived car I own, was bought by my wife in 2000, a bottom of the range, unlovely two door Hyundai Accent. I hated it at first for its ungainly looks and its wipers and indicator stalks on the wrong side of the steering column (dry wipe the window when you want to indicate etc) but it has been used for work, to teach family members to drive and is the shopping trolley car of choice that can take the dinks and scratches of the supermarket car parks. I have grown to love it over the years as it refuses to die considering the abuse it gets. Its looks have become acceptable too as there are some far more hideous new cars on the block these days. It is 11 years old and keeps passing the MOT’s. We have a 5 year old VW Polo that looking like the next keeper.

    I laughed out loud when I read your description of the Morris Marina! I had to drive a Morris Ital (a tarted up Marina) as a company car, way back when. It was an estate, and as such it looked better balanced than the saloon and of course, had a spacious load area. It was white in colour. Those were its only good points. Everything else was beige, including its performance. Not long after I was given it, I had to drive it through London and stopped at the traffic lights outside the BBC. When the light turned green, I tried to release the parking brake and the handle came away in my hand leaving the car unable to move. Cries of ‘get out and milk it’ came from fellow motorists, I could only agree with them!

    Another guy borrowed it one day and crashed it on a roundabout, due to its wobbly handling. It was written off. He did us all a huge favour that day.

    Comment by Redfire | December 13, 2011 | Reply


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