Captain Misery's Miserable Mishaps

It's all a load of bollocks, quite frankly

>Part 2 of my fantasy garage of cars that no one likes


Fiat Coupe 2.0 20v Turbo.

Launched in 1993, initially with Lancia Intergrale engines, later updated to sweet five cylinder 2.0 engines. 220bhp through the front wheels meant lots of torque steer, but when the turbo kicked in it would go all the way to 158mph. Why do I want one? It’s the fastest I’ve ever driven a car, 150mph on a private road of course, and I love the styling – by Chris Bangle before he went all twattish at BMW. It was a hoot to drive too.


Fiat-Abarth Strada 130TC

Everyone else in the 80’s made their hot hatches with fuel injection. Not Fiat – two big burbling carbs and it was so focused on being a drivers car that you couldn’t tilt the front seats forward to get passengers in the back. And it fell apart quickly and would never start. Perfect.

Fiat 131 Mirafiori Abarth

In fact, I’d even settle for one of the normal 131 Mirafioris, but the Abarth as pictured here went on to be a particularly successful rally car. It took the baton from the Lancia Stratos as the Fiat Group’s secret weapon in rallying. I had a Matchbox toy in the Alitalia colour scheme (google it) and wanted a real one ever since. Sad but true.

Alfa Romeo GTV

I could wax lyrical about these. In fact I’m going to. I mean, just look at it. It’s a delight. I’d have one purely for the way it looks. It drives wonderfully, it handles well, and either engine is a peach. When they’re working. The V6 is pretty strong if maintained and is the best sounding V6 in the business. The Twin Spark is a gem of an engine but neglect it and it will self destruct very, very quickly. That’s if the electrics have allowed it to get going in the first place. Ultimately owning a GTV is like being with the most beautiful woman in the world and finding she’s brilliant at everything – cooking, washing, sex, the whole nine yards, but then finding she had a nasty habit of stabbing you in the head every night. But you still would…

Rover SD1

A badly-built British car with a front end ripped off the Ferrari Daytona? Yes please. Especially with the fantastic 3.5 litre V8 lump under the bonnet. Never actually driven or been in one, I’ve just always wanted an SD1 3500.

Ford Capri 280 Brooklands

Again, featured in The Professionals and driven by Bodie (played by Lewis Collins). Well, to be pedantic, the 3.0 V6 was featured in The Professionals. I would really like one of the last of the line 280 Brooklands – has the best engine, and looks absolutely brilliant.

Mini Clubman

No, not the monstrosity just launched by BMW, but the original Clubman. The supposed ugly Mini and unfairly called Mini Clubfoot. But I actually like these. I’m not bothered by all these Mini Cooper derivatives, just give me a basic Mini with a basic engine and it’ll still be fun to drive.

Land Rover Series 3

Well, any beaten up Land Rover really. For pure simplicity really. An old tatty one will do quite nicely, so I can do what it’s intended for, just like in the picture. For that purpose alone there’s no point at all getting a decent one.

That’s it for part two. These first two parts feature cars really that are not out of the reach most people. In fact most of them can be had for as little as few hundred quid. There will be a third and final volume of this to bore you to tears. This will feature my top 10 favourite motors from any age and any price bracket which need a place in this fantasy garage thing.


October 4, 2010 - Posted by | Motoring

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: